Courage to Choose Connection over Comparison

You know the scenario all too well. You see her with that cute outfit, with her adorable kids, with her Pinterest projects, with that new hair style or those skinny jeans, and you cringe. You see those posts on Facebook about that great vacation she’s taking or that cuddly picture with her husband, and you’re just plain jealous. You don’t want to feel that way but it just keeps surfacing.

Sound familiar? In an age of Instagram and Facebook, when we have “full access” to each other’s lives, it’s easy to get caught up in comparison. It’s easy to start comparing our worst days to someone else’s highlight reel. It’s far too tempting to get a glimpse of someone at the park or at church and think, “She really has it all together.”

A few years ago I had the opportunity to attend MomCon, the national convention put on by the MOPS organization. One of the speakers was mama-author Shauna Niequist. Her presentation on the topic of “Connection over Comparison” made a huge impact on me. “Connection is a soul saver, and comparison is a soul killer,” she said. “Instead of thinking about what God gave us, we become obsessed with other people’s lives.”

I am ashamed to admit that I have lost friends over comparison. It pains me to think about it today, but I have had to walk away from relationships that became toxic in this way. It’s no fun to be in a conversation where it’s constantly a contest to “one-up” each other. What would happen if we leaned in and listened instead? What would happen if we congratulated her or cheered her on for her victories instead of sulking in the background?

I have learned through the years that comparison kills community. My challenge to you today is to fast from comparison. If you are tempted to compare yourself with another mama, try a genuine compliment instead. Take a break from the internet and cross the distance between you and other real mamas. Invite her to the trampoline place or to tea. Find a way to get your families together for dinner. Brave the harder questions. Dig into the stories that shape you and not just your status. Create a space for connection instead of comparison.

What I’ve discovered is that when we dive into each other’s stories, when we welcome people into our messes and everyday challenges, we discover we are not alone. When I am willing to be vulnerable, others are willing to be vulnerable too. And somewhere on the journey of inviting and sharing and connecting, true friendships and authentic community is born.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore is mama to three active, uniquely-their-own girls. She is a published author, teacher and the coordinator of the Bridge MOPS group.

Courage to Embrace Your Child's Individuality

As a mama of three girls ages 2, 5 and 8, there’s a lot I’m still learning. In fact, every day is a wild journey of discovery about my girls and myself. One thing I do know for sure: we are all different.

That may sound obvious but it’s a big deal. It’s something I have to constantly remind myself as I navigate the waters of parenting. Each one of my girls is a masterpiece – uniquely wired and created by God. 

It's tempting to get caught up into what other people think about our kids - how they should look or behave or think or act. I have been that mom. It's been a journey for me to learn how to celebrate each one of my girls and embrace their individuality.

I know that my oldest, Meilani, feels wholly alive when she has a colored pencil or marker or paint brush in hand. She’s also a planner. She loves to know what’s on the agenda for the week. She loves to set up her room for friends to come over and have every stuffed animal, every Lego creation in its place. I also know that my sweet girl sucks her bottom lip when she’s nervous or thinking hard.

I know that my middle daughter, Giada, is a snuggler. She thrives on hugs and tickle time and cuzzling before bed. She loves to be active. She spends more time standing on her head than she does sitting right side up. She loves gymnastics, basketball, soccer. She also loves to make new friends. She’s the girl you want with you on a long trip to a new place because she can win over any stranger.

I know that my youngest, Zayla, oozes joy and passion. She’s a whiz at puzzles! She scrunches up her nose when she smiles and erupts with contagious giggles. She is independent, needing to buckle her own seat belt or serve her own dinner.

My girls recently lost their dad to cancer. We anticipate seeing Daddy again in heaven one day and gaining a greater understanding for the heartache we now endure. As a family, we are learning how to grieve both individually and collectively. Recognizing that each of my daughters is unique proves important now more than ever. 

My oldest doesn’t like to cry in front of people while my middle little needs someone to hold her close when those tears come. When my 2-year-old misses her daddy, she is comforted by pictures on my phone and videos with his voice. They each have their own unique grief journey. It's different from mine and other kids who have experienced something similar. These are all things I’m learning.

I believe part of our job as mamas is to lean in close, to listen to what our kids are telling us with words and body language, to get to know what pushes their buttons and what makes their hearts beat. I believe a large part of our job is to embrace their individuality and teach them to be themselves, bravely, in light of that.