Courage to Choose Connection over Comparison

You know the scenario all too well. You see her with that cute outfit, with her adorable kids, with her Pinterest projects, with that new hair style or those skinny jeans, and you cringe. You see those posts on Facebook about that great vacation she’s taking or that cuddly picture with her husband, and you’re just plain jealous. You don’t want to feel that way but it just keeps surfacing.

Sound familiar? In an age of Instagram and Facebook, when we have “full access” to each other’s lives, it’s easy to get caught up in comparison. It’s easy to start comparing our worst days to someone else’s highlight reel. It’s far too tempting to get a glimpse of someone at the park or at church and think, “She really has it all together.”

A few years ago I had the opportunity to attend MomCon, the national convention put on by the MOPS organization. One of the speakers was mama-author Shauna Niequist. Her presentation on the topic of “Connection over Comparison” made a huge impact on me. “Connection is a soul saver, and comparison is a soul killer,” she said. “Instead of thinking about what God gave us, we become obsessed with other people’s lives.”

I am ashamed to admit that I have lost friends over comparison. It pains me to think about it today, but I have had to walk away from relationships that became toxic in this way. It’s no fun to be in a conversation where it’s constantly a contest to “one-up” each other. What would happen if we leaned in and listened instead? What would happen if we congratulated her or cheered her on for her victories instead of sulking in the background?

I have learned through the years that comparison kills community. My challenge to you today is to fast from comparison. If you are tempted to compare yourself with another mama, try a genuine compliment instead. Take a break from the internet and cross the distance between you and other real mamas. Invite her to the trampoline place or to tea. Find a way to get your families together for dinner. Brave the harder questions. Dig into the stories that shape you and not just your status. Create a space for connection instead of comparison.

What I’ve discovered is that when we dive into each other’s stories, when we welcome people into our messes and everyday challenges, we discover we are not alone. When I am willing to be vulnerable, others are willing to be vulnerable too. And somewhere on the journey of inviting and sharing and connecting, true friendships and authentic community is born.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore is mama to three active, uniquely-their-own girls. She is a published author, teacher and the coordinator of the Bridge MOPS group.