Tears Over Toes

I was completely out of my comfort zone.

I had even researched the difference between acrylic, gel, and shellac; between gel polish and nail polish, only to decide that it was all too much for me. I stood near the entrance to the salon searching for the most innocuous, fade-into-the-background shade of regular old polish-that-lasts-3-days. I have had a manicure twice – now three times –  in my life. Once for a prom, and once – now twice – for a friend’s wedding. My nails are stubby because they are not allowed to extend beyond the pressed down tip of my nail since I play violin. My toe nails… Well, I run – at least that seems like a useful excuse these days.

I think this is how many people feel going to the gym for the first time. Totally laser focused on what I perceived to be a great flaw and then made even more insecure as I see the way my behavior is highlighting that I don’t really fit in here – a strange feedback loop of insecurity.

After staring at far too many shades for far too long, I settled on a plain mauve and a translucent glitter. I solicited somewhat muted affirmation from at least two other people for moral support and made my way to a massage chair where I was finally able to relax a little. I mean, really. This is a mani/pedi with friends date. Isn’t this what I’m supposed to do to relax?    

After all was said and done and I had apologized to my nail technician half a dozen times for my ragged nails, I was quite happy with my much-improved nails and was able to forget about myself and enjoy lunch with some of my favorite people on the planet. It’s like that, isn’t it. Our self-discontent keeps our focus on ourselves. I found myself reflecting on how important it is to remember that a little bit of intentional self-focus can help me to be less self-centered generally.

The following day, I sat with a dear friend who had been at the salon that day and she went out of her way to encourage me specifically in the insecurity she had seen on display.

She said to me, “I know that you were feeling self-conscious about your toes back there. But I just want you to remember that your toes are not ugly. They are crowns on your feet. Feet that have run endless miles, traveled around the world, born the weight of pregnancy and now toddlers. They are nothing to be ashamed of. And they deserve a little pampering from time to time.”

Wow. Who would have thought the tears would flow over my toes?

Self-neglect and self-condemnation are not selfless. But when we are caught in that sort of thinking, sometimes we just need someone else to pull us out.

Where in your life do you struggle with self-neglect or self-condemnation?

How might you intentionally take care of yourself in this area?

Who in your life encourages you when you are caught in the trap of self-centeredness?

Who can you speak life into this week?

Heather Fenton is a Christ-follower, devoted wife, and mama to four littles who give her plenty to write about, but little time to sit down and write.